Why You Feel Disconnected:

Ever hear the saying, “Brag in rough times, stay humble when they’re good.”

Consider Benny, a former schoolmate. Every conversation was a boast. Every story portrayed him as a champion. When outdone? Excuses. Benny even faked a deep voice in the 7^th grade. What was the result? No one trusted him. Even children know, braggarts are not to be trusted.

As an adult, when I think of Benny, I feel a touch of sadness. What love, emotional support, or desperate longing was he deprived of as a child? It pains me to imagine his unmet childhood desire. Perhaps to be seen by his father or to be loved without judgment by his mother. Was there a vital connection that he couldn’t plug into?

I don’t know. Maybe he was just one of those kids. Hopefully, he found whatever it was that he needed.

It’s interesting that Benny stands out from all the kids I knew. One reason may be that most children are transparent. Most of us don’t begin to present a personification of ourselves until reaching an “age of maturity.”

As an adult, those few who remain authentic stand out. Becoming guarded is a common defense mechanism, but stimies the potential to connect in meaningful ways.

At nineteen, impressionable, and once described as a bumpkin, I stumbled into a dogmatic religious sect. Cultish in more than one way, they promised a connection to something transcendent. But they required a complete disconnection from things of the world, especially people of the world.

I’ll attempt to sum up the next eleven years of my life in the form of a Saturday morning cartoon.

The façade

The 1990s edition of Garfield sometimes featured “The Buddy Bears.” Three mischievous bears that Garfield and Odie watched on their television set. Very meta.

The Buddy Bears sang a jingle, “We are the Buddy Bears. We always get along. If you disagree, then it means that you are wrong. We are The Buddy Bears. We always get along.”

As they sang, they pummeled one another in turn, then embraced. They denied dissent, suppressed opinion, and glazed over their violent tyranny with song, dance, and camaraderie.

Brilliant television and a fantastic way to express the environment in which I became a man. Repressing individual expression in favor of institutionalized dogmatic monoculture broke any possibility to cultivate authentic connections. Interpersonal relationships were secondary to sanctimonious obedience.

Corporatism

As wild as my experience was, corporatism, which refers to this hierarchical model of monocultural control, attempts to do this anywhere it is found. It issues irrefutable edicts and builds its top-down institutions in religion, academia, and industry. Corporatism uses the same tools but with different terminology.

In the pursuit of hierarchical success, autonomous agents (I’m talking about you and me) are stripped of their most unique traits to fit preset molds. Never mind how it fits. This form of societal indoctrination teaches us to treat one another as commodities to be packaged for mass production and consumption.

I have wrestled with these thoughts. I’ve struggled with the fear that my work has little value, that my perspective and approach to the industry doesn’t resonate. I have feared that I’ll be tribeless.

I’ve held back. Bitten my tongue. I’ve delayed expressing myself in anticipation of “talking to this foundation,” or “conversing with that institution.” But the truth is, I can no longer contain myself for the sake of presenting a façade.

Bear Hunts

These past few months have been punctuated by episodic struggles, followed by pushing through and overcoming. Each day has become a cycle of pushing boundaries, creating, networking, and publishing. Each day presents a challenge to overcome and a trait to improve.

When obstacles present themselves, I sometimes think about the children’s song “Going on a Bear Hunt.” In the song, the children follow a path until they reached an obstacle. There’s no way around it. Can’t go under it. Can’t go over it. Got to go through it. And through it in this case is to submit to the demands of the struggle. To push forward.

These trials of the mind require an unyielding affirmation: “I will not give up on myself. If it drains everything from me. If I go bankrupt, if I must begin anew, I’m not going to succumb to this pressure. I won’t be found circling like a confused compass needle, a husk of a former self. No, I’ll leverage the pain of this struggle to elevate myself beyond previous heights. I will work harder. I will work smarter. I will adapt. I will break molds.”

I desire to forge a connection with others who also want to build a better world. We can build better together. I know I’m not the only one who feels this way. Others have laid bare their souls only to be turned away. I don’t want to leave behind a legacy of what could have been. As Tyler the Creator once said, “I hate wasted potential. That $h!t crushes your spirit. It really does. It crushes your soul.”

The Separation Fallacy

The most damaging aspect of fundamentalist immersion is the illusion of separation. My companions and I became convinced that true connection is only possible in emotionally heightened fellowship. I became conditioned to a sense of disconnection at all other times.

The curse is, after breaking free, developing the ability to be emotionally vulnerable, to welcome genuine connection, is difficult, to be modest.

If interpersonal connection is a bridge, closing the gap from person to person, then it feels like there’s this little break in the structure. I have found this difficult to express, but as I’ve matured, I’ve realized that sure, maybe my break is accentuated, but almost everyone feels this way to some extent.

Bridging the divide to create an emotional connection is a universal need.

When I realized we all feel this way, my heightened awareness of this gap converted from a weakness to a superpower. It helped me better understand human behavior and the constructs of our society. Awareness prevents my limbic system from being hijacked by advertising, social media, or other nefarious elements. (I’m not perfect, of course, it’s a heightened sense, not a total inoculation.)

I had to learn the hard way that fostering authentic connections requires truckloads of vulnerability. Vulnerability is the key that unlocks the gates of interconnectedness. The practice of vulnerability enables one to step outside the confines of mediocrity. And yet, there’s a strong pull to be “in” the middle.

Society's Relationship with Mediocrity

In the book of Exodus, when the children of Israel were wandering in the desert those forty years (imagine the hardships of travel before Google Maps) there was an episode where God plagued his own people with fire that burned everyone on the outer edges of the host.

The implied lesson, “Get in line. Outliers gonna get crispy.”

If a mediocre lifestyle is a requirement for societal protection, I’d rather burn.

However, living on the edges requires enormous resolve. Especially in times of economic hardship.

I have heard of hardships in life that serve to make or break men. To struggles and emotionally charged decisions, I am no stranger. However, this elongated period of melancholy, of denial, rejection, and false starts. It feels like a conspiracy.

But it’s not personal.

There’s a verse in the New Testament my brothers and sisters in the church would often quote, “We are overcomers by the word of our testimony.”

Talking about the struggle is an act of vulnerability. Vulnerability sparks the possibility to form a community. Community creates the potential to build. Building is the fruit of creative ambition. I desire to build a great work that towers over institutions of mediocrity.

Unfortunately, with the rise of AI, I fear we may expand the age of mediocrity. In times of hardship, one can race to the middle: to mediocrity. AI will make this easier to do than ever before. There is a perceived safety in mediocrity.

However, mediocrity doesn’t move people. We’re inspired by what’s new and slightly odd. Things that are a bit different excite our minds and get us thinking about what may be possible.

An Aspiration for Connection

There’s an idea out there that a person is the combination of their five closest friends. This applies to personality, finances, properties; the whole deal. Surround yourself with mediocrity, and you’ll embody it.

I don’t want that. I want extraordinary people in my inner circle, and to produce value that breaks the ceiling of all expectations.

I’ve created a Discord community for those fueled by a passion for learning and building. If you’re still reading you probably share similar interests. Join me in democratizing high-quality learning and providing access to resources that empower new ways to educate and learn.

When a path comes to an end, one can choose to wither or push through the obstacle to find a new path. I envision a beautiful future. One that is abundant. But it’s boring to build alone, and it’s awesome to share in triumph. Let’s build better together. The journey begins here: [Join the Learners | Builders Society on Discord]